I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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