i love accidental penises.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
