So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
