just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
