dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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