On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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