PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
