Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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