Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Randomize
