Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
