next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
