I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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