Her vagina should come with caution tape.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
