Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
