remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
