AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
