In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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