gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
