My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
