my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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