just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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