Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
