I accidentally had phone sex last night
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
