I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
