You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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