Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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