i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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