Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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