I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
