Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
