i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
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