Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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