I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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