Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
