i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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