The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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