I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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