Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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