I want to stick my p in your. b.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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