My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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