Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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