You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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