Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
