I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
don't judge my taste in strippers
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
