Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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