ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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