I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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