I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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