she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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