My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
