maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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